Episode 20: Owner of a Lonely Heart

I’ve had a lot of time in the last six months to reflect on what it means to be lonely. For starters, I know now that there’s a difference between being lonely and grieving. Although I was definitely grieving for part of that time, I know that some of my sadness of the last few months was loneliness. All those winter weekend days when the weather was crappy and I had nowhere to go but to the gym and home, when I took the long way home from the gym because I was listening to music and crying? I think a lot of that was loneliness. I spent a lot of the spring trying to figure that piece of the puzzle out. And, remarkably, I’m better. Way better.

So here we are in an episode about loneliness, and I have to rethink how this all went down. We open with Meredith’s voice-over:

“A great many of the lonely people come from hospitals. More precisely, from the surgical wing of hospitals. As surgeons, we ignore our own needs so we can meet our patients’ needs. We ignore our friends and families so we can save other people’s friends and families. Which means, at the end of the day, all we really have is ourselves. And nothing in this world can make you feel more alone than that.”

I thought about this a lot during my residency. It seemed so weird to me that I spent half of residency exhausted, depleted, and neglecting my personal life while spending so much time and energy trying to help my patients. There are doctors that get addicted to this life and end up living for work, often at the expense of their relationships, families, and friendships. (I remember one specifically-he always hung around the floors and would randomly show up in ICU late at night. One night, when I was on call in the ICU, the phone rang, and I announced. “If it’s for me, I’m not here, because I’m afraid that’s Dr. _____.” All of sudden, I heard a voice behind me. “That’s not me on the phone,” Said Dr. ______, because I’m right here.” Oops.)

There much discussion about Alex’s hookup with the nurse Olivia (which Izzie walked in on): 

Meredith: “You dodged a bullet. You’re better off without him.”

(Of note, more people have told me I’ve “dodged a bullet” in the last few months than ever before in my life. It has always annoyed me. And it annoyed Izzie in this case, too.)

Cristina: “Why are you even surprised? You sleep with a snake, you get bit.”
So true.

Later in the episode, Addison tries to “teach Izzie a lesson,” by making her stay overnight (when she is post-call!) to provide one-on-one care for a quint that is definitely going to die (a fact that was established earlier in the show but not revealed to Izzie.). Not only does Addision not back Izzie up when the baby is actually dying, when Izzie falls asleep, and wakes up to find the baby is dead, Addison reveals that she knew the baby was going to die all along. It’s not totally clear why this whole drama was a good idea- to “make Izzie a better surgeon by teaching her distance,” ostensibly. All I can say is that if someone did this to me, I wouldn’t be a better doctor, and I wouldn't just be furious that I was in the hospital for 48 needless hours without sleep or a shower, I'd be calling accreditation committees to complain about the way my hospital treats trainees.

Yeah, I'd be furious. And reporting my attendings to the authorities.

Rosanna Arquette has a pretty good turn as a mass murderer who has solitary-confinement induced Pica. She swallows 4 razor blades and, later, tries to swallow a lightbulb and nearly chokes to death. She also gets to utter the classic line,

“I only murdered three people and none of them were doctors.”

Rosanna, you were way better as a bisexual hottie. Maybe it's the just the hospital gown that's freaking me out.

Despite this modestly interesting character, I still think her turn as a bisexual hottie in the L word was far more compelling.

One of the other quints who was dying is saved when Meredith suggests cobedding the baby with a sibling. Nice idea, except it is not supported by current medical evidence. Sorry, Meredith, I do not agree with the assessment that your idea was genius. I think your improved outcome was more like luck.

The best I can say about this is that the picture is cute. Medically, it makes no sense.

Everyone ends the episode happier, although it’s not totally clear why. Meredith quotes a line from “No man is an island” and then the roommates get a dog, but other than that, their situations seem pretty much the same as when the episode began.

Great. Now you have a dog none of you have time to care for. And oh, also, your way too skinny legs still freak me out.

Last best line:


Bailey: "Just like interns, they're not ready for the real world."

In contrast to the Grey's characters, my loneliness is better because my life situation has changed remarkably in the last few months. Why am I different? My reasons:

1. Fitness camp: I am far happier, because today I've run the mountain (or gone to the gym, or been to spin class), and in doing so have proven that I love myself. And that alone would be enough.

But I also have:

2. Friends: My friends have been there for me, consistently, completely, and always without me even needing to ask. They have carried me through my loneliness and now I’ve come out the other side, and once again, I am reminding them that I am, oh, so grateful.

And, yes, OK, finally, the one new thing (some of) you have been so anxiously waiting for me to announce:

3. I have a new girlfriend. And she’s totally great.