Episode 27: Yesterday

First, the bad news. I went on to Netflix today and decided to count how many Grey’s episodes are left. What I found was upsetting, to say the least: I have 10 episodes left in season 2 (unbelievable! Seriously! This has been going on too long!), 25 episodes in season 3, 17 episodes in season 4, 24 episodes in season 5, 24 episodes in season 6, and 22 episodes in season 7! Go ahead, do the math: I have 122 episodes left and just over 100 days until my “breakup anniversary,” Valentine’s Day! So this means that today is the day that I am admitting failure. There is no way I can finish all of the episodes in less than 365 days. Like a Biggest Loser, contestant, though, some part of me wants to “finish.” And so, I trudge on, even though I have failed in my original task. Yes, I vow to keep watching episodes and blogging as long as I can keep it up.

On to "Yesterday." The narrative to this episode reads like they added it after the fact, because it bears very little relevance to what the episode was about:

Meredith: "After careful consideration and many sleepless nights, here’s what I've decided. There's no such thing as a grown-up. We move out, we move away from our families. But the basic insecurities, the fears and all the old wounds just grow up with us...for the most part, we're still a bunch of kids, running around the playground, trying desperately to fit in."

OK, except you're scrubbing in on surgery and writing orders for narcotics. I'm not saying this makes you a grown-up (the banter in the last orthopedic surgery I witnessed as a medical student enforced this fact. It was like hanging out with a bunch of junior high boys. Four hours of vibrator jokes. Attending: "Hey, why am I buying my wife a vibrator?" Resident: "I don't know. Why are you buying your wife a vibrator?" Etc. Four hours. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry.). No, what makes you a grown up is the episode you ran in season 1 that was all about how you're all grown up.

Anyway, the scene opens with Meredith serving her demented mother coffee in what may be the world's nicest nursing home. Let me say that Meredith's mother's dementia is like no dementia I've ever seen. She doesn't wander off or remove her clothes inappropriately or forget who her daughter is. No, her dementia seems to exist as a time warp where she is forever trapped in her intern year. If that doesn't sound like hell, I don't know what does, but she seems to enjoy reminiscing about call-room hookups and other hijinks. 

Nursing home? This looks like a Folger's commercial. Dementia should be so neat. This is dementia minus sundowning, incontinence, swallowing problems, atypical psychotic medications, and sad, confused, hollow eyes. And plus coffee. Although there's notably no evidence that people with dementia are actually unhappy. As my dementia researcher friend says, 'Ignorance really is bliss."

We move on to rounds, where Meredith presents the first medical mishap of the episode: “Stage 3 B non-small cell lung cancer. He has had extensive chemo and radiotherapy to which the tumor was not responsive. He is admitted for radical resection.”

Huh? I’ve never heard of such a thing. Stage 3B non-small cell lung cancer is defined as a tumor that has spread to distant lymph nodes, has invaded other structures in the chest (such as the heart or esophagus), or has a malignant pleural effusion (fluid build-up containing cancer cells between the layers lining the lungs). For the vast majority of patients, Stage 3 B is inoperable, especially after “extensive chemo and radiotherapy to which the tumor is unresponsive.” The other problem with this scenario is that other than his oxygen via nasal cannula, the guy looks as healthy as a horse. He doesn’t look like someone who has undergone “extensive chemo and radio therapy.” But…OK. 

"End-stage cancer patient" He looks healthier than me. Of course, he has removed his nasal cannula for this shot so you might be thrown off. It's amazing how far nasal prongs can go in convincing us someone is sick. It's the oldest nursing trick in the book. Me: 'He looks horrible." Nurse: "Yes, we just put him on 2 L to see if he would perk up."

I'm not complaining too much because operating on inoperable lung cancer is NOTHING compared to the other major medical plotlines in this episode. The first is a woman who is having “spontaneous orgasms.” I guess that spontaneous orgasms are not unheard of (apparently, it’s called Persistent Sexual Arousal Syndrome or PSAS. The link might make you think it's a real medical entity, but note that the link references an article in Playboy called, "The Woman Who Could Think Herself Off," so I’m not sure it’s considered “class IA” evidence in the medical world.) The bigger crime is that the surgeons of Grey’s take this woman to surgery! For what, I ask? What might they possibly be surgerizing? Brain? Genitals? Your guess is as good as mine. The writers don’t even attempt to explain the surgery because there is no possible medical explanation. (My favorite piece of the puzzle is that at one point, Izzie seems to be doing a prenatal-style ultrasound on the patient, for unclear reasons).

The best thing about this plotline is that I was watching this scene when GF walked into the room, saw the woman moaning, making faces and pointing her toes. GF looks at the screen, looks at me and says, "So, what's going on here?" I answered, "Oh, that patient is having spontaneous orgasms." To which GF answered, 'Of course she is," and then turned and left the room.

And then there’s the most ridiculous plot of all-Mark Sloan is back in town, and creating havoc every way he can. He’s cute, for sure, and he immediately hits on Meredith:
 
MARK: "You and I are the dirty mistresses."
MEREDITH: "I suppose we are. Why do you think that is?"
MARK: "My $400-dollar-an-hour shrink says it’s because behind this rugged and confident exterior, I'm self-loathing and self-destructive to an almost pathological degree."
MEREDITH: "We have a lot in common." 

This is what seeing a cute television plastic surgeon will do to a bunch of television interns. In real life, it's much more awkward.

CRISTINA: "McSexy?"
MEREDITH: "That's not right."
IZZIE: "McYummy?"
CRISTINA: "Mmm... no."
MEREDITH: "McSteamy."
CRISTINA: "There it is!"
IZZIE: "Yup."
GEORGE: "Allow me to choke back some McVomit.

And Mark is trying to win back Addison.

Although Addison is displaying the universal symbol for "Stop, your cologne is overwhelming, your scruff is too calculated, and you just hit on the woman my husband used to sleep with," Mark is still thinking he might score.

Worst of all, though, Mark arrives in Seattle from New York and immediately begins practicing medicine without a license. He offers to perform some kind of facial reconstruction to a patient with Craniodiaphyseal dysplasia, also known as “lionitis” also known as the “disease that made Eric Stoltz famous for his role in the movie Mask.”

Before the facial reconstruction even starts, though, McDreamy kills the kid with a brain-surgery botch that results in a fatal hemorrhage. Mark then completes the facial reconstruction on the now-dead kid. I wonder if they got the family’s consent for that one?

Geez, Eric Stoltz has not aged a day since "Mask." All this episode was missing was Cher.

In other character development news (literally, nothing has happened all season and now suddenly it’s all happening in one episode!), Meredith tracks down her father (who appears to be the parent from whom she got her weeny, whiny, wet-blanket personality. Still, he doesn’t seem like a bad guy, so why hasn’t she seen him in 20 years? Parental visitation doesn’t exist in this world?) and George confesses his love to Meredith, finally, and although we all know that she’s not that into him, it looks like she might make a mistake and sleep with him.

GEORGE: [to Meredith] "Hi. I... I know I'm not a world-renowned surgeon, and... I know I'm not a lot of things you've gone for in the past. I know that. But... I would never leave you. I would never hurt you. And I will never stop loving you."

You didn't hear me wrong. That's not Tom Cruise and Kelly McGillis in "Top Gun." That's George and Meredith.

Now this one IS Tom Cruise and Kelly McGillis. I remembered this shot as vertical but it looks horizontal here.

Most interestingly, George and Burke give their beloved women almost the same monologue without either hearing the other deliver the speech. Quite a coincidence, don’t you think?

PRESTON: [enters his apartment] "I am Preston Burke. I am a widely renowned cardio-thoracic surgeon. I am a professional and moreover I am a good, kind person. I am a person that cleans up after himself. I am a great cook. And you? You are an unbelievable slob. A slovenly, angry intern. I am Preston Burke. And you... are the most competitive, guarded, stubborn... the most challenging person I have ever met. And I love you. Why the hell won't you just let me?
CRISTINA: "I gave up my apartment 20 minutes ago."
PRESTON: [pauses] "Well, alright then."

And the moral:

“I've heard that it’s possible to grow up. I've just never met anyone who’s actually done it. Without parents to defy, we break the rules we make for ourselves. We throw tantrums when things don’t go our way. We whisper secrets with our best friend in the dark. We look for comfort where we can find it. And we hope against all logic, against all experience. Like children, we never give up hope.”

Huh? I think this refers to George “taking a chance” with Meredith, but truthfully, given George’s unrequited love, the moral maybe should be, “There are some times when giving up hope is your best option.” (Like when you have 122 episodes and less than 100 days.) Feel free to propose other alternatives to this moral in comments.

Although...and not to give the writers too much credit here, but...OK. I have a new reader, someone who knows me in real life, who has taken hope from this blog. She read the first entries, saw how unhappy I was, and realized that I'm so much happier today, just 260-some days after those first sad narratives. So...maybe, sometimes, it's OK to hope? I don't usually let such drivel slip by, but I (and this blog) may be proof that sometimes, hope is (Don't say it. Don't say it. Don't say it.) just what the doctor ordered. (Oh, God, you said it.) Yeah, I'll hear it for that one. Somewhere in surgeryland, Dr. McAwesome just threw up a little bit..